At the end of the debate, each candidate is given time to make a "closing statement." I could give each candidate specific advice about what to say, but let's face facts. There's only ONE WAY for this year's candidates to do the impossible—which is win the debate AND win the election. Here's how in eight easy steps:
1. Listen quietly and respectfully as your opponent lists his qualifications for the job.
2. When he is finished, pick up the box sitting at your feet and carry it to the center of the stage.
3. Open the box.
4. Pull out the severed, still-dripping head of Osama bin Laden.
5. Close the box.
6. Walk directly to the White House, because you've already got the job.
7. Raise your arms in victory.
8. Not you, John McCain... you can't raise your arms.
Door-to-Door Proselytizing Seems Pointless
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