"Kids, don't be fooled by the lie that there is a man who lives in the North Pole named Santa Clause, who supposedly brings toys to children across America on December twenty fifth each year. That story is not true!"
Way to ruin your kid's Christmas with the obvious, Bob. But wait...the disturbing and ironic parallels are nigh!
"Think about it: Do you want someone trespassing on your property late at night? That's what Santa would be doing. But Santa has never had a trespassing complaint made against him. You know why? Because there is no Santa. "
Think about it: Do you want someone psychically micromanaging your life from beyond the grave? That's what Jesus would be doing. But Jesus has never been brought up on charges of second degree mind-rape. You know why? I don't know either...Stockholm syndrome, maybe...
Also, to explain your little problem with Santa never being caught: Santa is a 300-year old ninja with the gift of eternal youth, so he has honed his stealth abilities to far beyond that which any mortal could dream of attaining.
"Do you want a heavy sled filled with toys with all those reindeer pulling it to land on the roof of your house? That's what they say Santa does. But think of the awful noise it would make and the damage it would cause to your slanted roof!"
But, you see, Santa's sleigh is magical and can contain an infinite amount of mass without increasing its own weight. And the reindeer are magical, flying reindeer that are also weightless.
"And think of all that awful smelling excrement that the reindeer would leave on your roof! A real mess! But no one has ever complained about such. You know why? Because there is no Santa. "
Maybe the reindeer just know how to hold it? Ever think about that, non-believer?
"Do you want someone sneaking into your house at night while you are asleep? That's what Santa would be doing. "
Do you want someone to watch you while you are taking a shower? Well that's what Jesus would be doing....
"But how would he get in? He would have to break in or you would have to leave a door or window open. But it's dangerous to leave a door unlocked or a window open at night. Instead of Santa, someone else might sneak in and kidnap you or your brothers or sisters. They might even hurt you, your dad, your mother or your brothers and sisters. "
He would get in through ninja skillz....and the fact that he can phase through physical matter due to his magical powerz. The last part is disturbingly baseless scaremongering...typical, huh?
"If you don't leave your window or door open, do you want someone sneaking into your house through your chimney? But go outside and look at your chimney or other chimneys in your neighborhood or town. Do you really believe a fat old man could get down those chimneys? Santa would get stuck! "
Just because you don't want something to be true doesn't make it false. You can deny the Truth that is Santa Claus all you like, but the reality that is Him will remain the same for your blind dismissal of his existence. Oh, and Santa can adjust his weight and size at will, because of his special training amongst the elven warriors of the North....plus magic.
"But if he could somehow come down your chimney, don't you think that he would get his clean white hair, beard and red and white suit awfully dirty by all that black soot? It doesn't matter if your mom or dad had a chimney sweeper to clean the chimney the day before. "
Santa is being of utmost power and purity who is incapable of being sullied by the filth of our pathetic material world. Isn't that obvious to you, you willfully ignorant heretic?
"But if the fat old man insists on coming down the chimney, don't you think that it might be awfully hot and smoky in there? And when he gets to the bottom, how is he going to deal with that awfully hot fire? By the time Santa gets to the bottom, someone will have to call an ambulance or the rescue squad, right?"
I don't think that the chimney would be lit at the time that he comes down it, but it doesn't matter, since Santa is immune to heat and fire (he developed the resistance after decades of fighting dragons). Even if he weren't immune to effects of fire, he has regenerative abilities as long as his head remains attached to his body, due to being an Immortal.
"But if Santa did manage to get by the fire or come out of the woodburning stove, don't you think he would track soot all over your mother's carpet? How do you think your mother and dad would feel about that? And how would your toys you dreamed of look all burned, melted and sooty? "
Santa has an aura of energy that prevents him from getting sooty, and he keeps the toys in his mystical sack of wonders (tee-hee) in order to prevent them from getting dirty or damaged. Next.
"When Santa is ready to leave, don't you think he would dread getting back into the fireplace just to wedge himself back up that hot, smokey, sooty chimney? Or maybe he would think it better to leave out of one of the doors or windows. I would, wouldn't you? "
Have you ever seen a Christmas special in your life? He can fly right back up the chimney by putting his finger on his nose (a special technique that he learned in combat with Rasputin the late 19th century). Besides, he could just walk out the front door anyway, if he didn't have that ability.
"But how do you think he would manage to get back on the roof? Not everyone has a ladder. Maybe Rudolph will throw him a rope."
Don't you dare blaspheme Rudolph (pbuh)'s name in such a fashion! The spite with which you refer to him is an insult to my beliefs, and I will not allow you to speak to me in such a disrespectful manner! Also...Santa has a personal magic elevator in just such an emergency...
"But even if he managed to get back on the roof to his sled, how do you think he manages to get his reindeer and sled to fly? Can reindeer and sleds fly? Sleds are made to slide across snow and ice and reindeer were made to walk or run on the ground."
Yes, sleds slide across snow and ice and yes reindeer walk on the ground. But magical sleds glide on air, and magical reindeer can fly at light speed. Your ignorance is clearly showing in your denial of the Truth. Only a fool says in his heart that there is no Santa.
"Santa has one of the most premative means of transportation and hauling toys, and yet, he can cause it to fly. Don't you think NASA and airplane designers would be very interested in Santa's secret? But they are not. Why! Because there is truly no Santa Clause!"
Yes, Santa's sled is beyond any vehicle that man has invented through the pathetic mortal graspings of science and technology. NASA and airplane designers would only stare in awe at the marvels of Santa's sleigh, but, unfortunately for them, they could not use it as Santa does, for only those whose hearts are unburdened, innocent, and pure can use the sleigh, and only those with Immortality can survive the speed at which travels.
"And why is Santa using a sled and reindeer for transportation anyway, when it may not even be snowing outside? "
Santa uses a sleigh and reindeer for transportation because, in the dimension in which he resides , it is always snowing. It matters not whether it has snowed or not in the physical locations that he visits, because he only remains there for a split second, due to his innate ability to bend space and time beyond the scope of what is possible by his sleigh's speed alone.
"If there is a Santa Clause, why is it that he brings toys to only some kids, especially the rich kids? Why doesn't he visit all children, especially the less fortunate? "
Because he is trying to test to faith of the poorer children, and because not all gifts are physical in nature. In reality, focusing merely on the gifts that Santa brings to you distracts you from truly loving Santa as he desires, and by not giving you a present, he is making it easier for you to realize that such possessions detract from your ability to embrace Santa. In reality, the poor are truly blessed, as they are given by Santa the gift of understanding Santa's plan, and thus a better chance of being able to meet with Santa in his workshop before passing from this world...
"Don't you think it would be a good idea for him to bypass rich children and rather give food, clothing and shelter to the less fortunate children of the world.If Santa is the good ole man that most everyone thinks him to be, why hasn't he thought about that himself? You know why, don't you? Because there is no Santa Clause!"
That would be a good idea, from our fickle mortal point of view. But we have to have faith in Santa's plan, as he is infinitely more wise than we are, and knows far more about the working of this world. Who are we to question Santa's plan?
I really don't what old Robert thought he was accomplishing this. I don't think that there is any possible audience for this, though I did have fun being a Santanic apologist in response to it (and by apologist, I mean making crap up to defend something obviously made up...not sure how much that varies from the actual definition).