Did you hear? Apparently some guy named Nathan Bowman fell 500 feet down a mine shaft. And, guess what? He survived! Obviously, Jesus had a hand in this! But don't just take my word for it!
"Sarah Curran Smith, a vice president at Lehigh Coal [said] Bowman's survival is 'pretty unbelievable...I think the universe has bigger plans for Nathan. I hope he realizes that.'"
Yes, the universe does indeed have a purpose for Nathan, and I happen to arbitrarily know exactly what that purpose must be! For you see, we are in grave danger! The Internets are about to go extinct! I know, I thought that it was just a South Park episode, too. But it is very real! In two short years, the internet will be gone, along with all of fancy blogospheres, our cherished trolling grounds, our beloved 4-chan, our handy torrents, and our precious, precious pr0n. It will be the end of modern society as we know it! And that is why, in the same way that it is obvious that Nathan Bowman was chosen by fate to have a grand purpose in the tapestry of our existence due to living after falling down a mine shaft, it is also obvious that only a person with such a significant purpose could be the savior we need to save the internet! Nathan fits the bill, therefore, it is he alone who can save us all from the horrors of having to be antisocial and belligerent in person instead of being able to do it safely behind a keyboard.
So, young Nathan, once you end your stay in the hospital, we can begin your training. Because in only two short years, you will have no choice but to meet your destiny...Remember, you were chosen by forces beyond our comprehension for this task, Nathan...don't fail us, or reality as we know it will be torn asunder!