Monday, April 28, 2008

A Day in the Life of Fundie McStrawman

Inspired by severe idiocy:

This morning, as rotund everyman, Fundie McStrawman, sat across the table from his wife, he thought back to the time when he had first met her as he downed his first bottle of breakfast scotch. That day, in 1984, he had assessed her worth as a demure, subservient homemaker. She was young and plump enough to be able to plop out child after child like a good woman should, she knew when to shut up, and she had all the same superstitions that he had. She was of breeding age, of course (a ripe old age of sixteen), and so he deemed her to be suitable as a contractual sex-slave, or "wife" as his parents demanded that he call her.

"I love you Fundie", she told me.

"You blasphemous, worldly fool of a woman," Fundie replied. "You must not love anyone or anything in this world more than you love Jesus, your Lord and Savior! We are not of this world, we are Heaven-bound, and wasting affections meant for our wonderful God on one another is not what God intended! Do you want to make the Baby Jesus cry with neglect! Do you want your undeniable worldly lusts for me to cloud your judgments about what love for our Creator is!"

"No, Fundie", she replied, deligently picking up the broken shards of the plate he threw against the wall in his rage.

At which point, the phone rang, and Fundie waited for his wife to pick up the phone and bring it to him, as picking up the telephone was women's work. On the phone was his illegitimate daughter, Juliet, asking Fundie how he was and if he had received his birthday present.

"You idiot child", he shouted. "Physical possessions are nothing more than a luxurious distraction from our duty to revere our Lord above all else! How dare you attempt to tempt with worldly objects, with wealth, with trinkets, to drive me away from my personal relationship with Jesus Christ! I will not stand for it! I will not allow my bastard spawn to tempt into sin, to leave me coveting, addicted to presents and gifts like your mother to cocaine! Get off this phone line, I only talk to people that Jesus likes, and atheistic, Darwinist, heathen bastard children like yourself are none of Jesus's concern!"

"I love you daddy", she replied tearfully. "I love you and I always will".

He felt that this reply warranted an irrational outburst, so Fundie spent two hours screaming into the phone. Psychologically, Fundie was in a troubled state, perturbed by the lack of faith and righteousness in his own family. "How sin has infested our society," he said, "indoctrinating young and old alike with such progressive and hedonistic notions." It was in that condition that Fundie answered the doorbell, after his wife refused to do so while crying in the bathroom. A man in a plain blue shirt stood in the doorway.

"Hello", he said. Fundie stared at the car in his driveway. It had no cross hanging from the rear-view mirror, no bumper stickers expressing praise for America, Jesus, or even to the Republican party, all of which disturbed Fundie to the core of his being . "Hello", he replied, after three minutes staring at the patently un-Christian vehicle.."I'm a representative from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation", he said. "I'm collecting money to help care for the sick and dying in Africa. Could you be so kind as to help?". This was too much. Fundie chastised him with a blow to the temple. As the ungodly atheist minion lay dazed on the floor, he contemplated rushing to the kitchen, grabbing a knife, and ridding the world of a dangerous demon-possessed servant of darkness. But then Fundie remembered the secular prohibition against "murder", based upon the pathetic rule of mortal law, that Christians were unjustly not exempt from, preventing the act of glorifying God by slaying those who oppose his power and majesty.

Until the world was rid of such unjust, atheist-protecting laws, all he could do was yell at him ."Medicine", he explained, "will not help them if Jesus wants them to die. There would be nothing 'kind' about 'helping' them recover when it defies God's plan to do so. We need to trust in what God has deigned fit to happen, and it is not our place to try to interfere in his design with the corrupt instruments of man. If you had come to me asking if I would pray for the little dying African children, or asking me to help pay for you to spread the good Word to the unwashed heathens whose only chance of ever getting into Heaven is solely by noble white American Christians to go there and tell them to praise Jesus, I might have given some money. But, unfortunately, you did not, and are just spreading atheism and defying God's will. I'm getting my shotgun..."

With that, the man limped away, another blasphemous fool let loose on the world. "Until God and religion, and all its superstitious tenets and irrational legacy are forcibly imposed upon education, culture and society, human beings will never be free to live in a world in which people sing in unison while going to work, where the sun shines 24-hours a day, and where rainbows are edible. It baffles me that more people, observing my life, have not rallied with me behind the banner of faith in our Lord, the One True Savior, Jesus Christ. I pity those fools. Well, anyway honey, stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about! Strip down, and I'll meet you in the bedroom in five minutes, and if you are not there, so help me God, I will beat you so that even Jesus won't recognize you! "

[Please note that I do not support any of the following: drinking before noon, teenage brides, throwing dishes, loving invisible entities and ideas in place of other people, spousal abuse, berating children for a difference in ideology, leaving children to be raised by cocaine addicted mothers because they were conceived out of wedlock, refusing physical possessions only when it suits your argument, beating charity workers, contemplating murder due to delusional motives, rationalizing people's deaths through unverifiable supernatural presuppositions, thinking oneself superior for race/nationality/belief, threatening people with shotguns, imposing your beliefs on society, feeling entitled to sex within marriage, hypocrisy, and representing a caricature of people you disagree with as an accurate, comical, and poignant critique.

If you found any of that above and are offended by it....awesome.]

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