Friday, April 18, 2008

In the Spirit of Celebrating the Absurd...

I decided to come up with a doctrine for my own religion. It will be conceived in a similar manner to the Pascal's Roulette universes that I have designed below...but using none of the options assigned on the chart...Go baseless and excessive complexity! Join me, unbelievers...your conversion is nigh!

Deity: Oh, deities. How much fun has been had at their expense? From Russell's teapot, to the Invisible Pink Unicorn, all the way to the Flying Spaghetti Monster (pasta be upon him), many parodies have arisen in how difficult it is to disprove the nature of god or gods, allowing to basically say whatever the hell you want. Which leads me to the following completely unverifiable conclusion of the nature of all of existence as we know it, and if you think I am wrong, prove me wrong:

It has been revealed by prophecy that the universe as we know it is controlled by massive horde of irradiated half-fish/half-chipmunk/half-pterodactyls that exist beyond human senses, and beyond the irrelevant constrictions of mortality and space-time. These creatures reside within the 53rd dimension, and are latched onto every seventeenth human being born during a leap year, or to anyone who bastes themselves in tabasco sauce. In addition, these creatures are personally responsible for giving us the illusion of the reality that is around us, which serves to hide their presence from us. They personally deceive us by manipulating the appearances of this world to make it appear as if it follows the laws of nature and physics consistently, but only do so to mess with us, because we are more tasty when we are confused.

These creatures, henceforth known as Omegapisces, are responsible for creating the reality that we know out of extradimensional soap, before vomitting the collective human mind into existence, and deceiving them into perceiving the universe as we see it, for the transcendent lulz.

Doctrine: Because the Omegapisces enjoy when we are confused, they will be incredibly angry if you realize that they exist. Followers of the Truth that is their existence, however, deliberately worship the false idol Chuck Norris, in order to satiate the Omegapisces desire for humans to be blatantly incorrect, in order to keep an internet meme alive, and in order to make the Bible-beater Norris really peeved. Only those that worship Chuck Norris or other arbitrary and absurdly incorrect messiahs will be favored among the ranks of the Omegapisces.
In addition, in order to be latched upon by the Omegapisces, one must not only be confused and remain confused as expected above, but you must also either be one of the lucky few who are automatically latched on to, born each leap year, or you must bathe within tabasco sauce and sing the haunting melody of the Extradimensional Dinner Call. Only under those conditions can you attain the state of being fused with a parasitic extradimensional Omegapisces.

Eating or harming fish, small mammals, or anything with wings will immediately cause you to lose favor with your guardian parasite and will leave abandoned, and only upon redeeming yourself by chopping off a digit, or limb, can you receive another Omegapisces. In addition, you must not ever speak to other people about anything pertaining to geography, physics, water vessels, weather, bacteria, electricity, Zionism, or foreign automobiles, as these things cause great terror to our half-fish/half-chipmunk/half-pterodactyl overlords, and will prompt them to flee from your presence if you dare to speak of such ineffable things.

Violence, sexual activity, kindness, or civility of any form are of no concerns to these beings, and as such, one has been latched on to will not lose such status for those petty misdeeds, nor gain them.

Afterlife: The best afterlife is observed only by those who were privileged by being latched on to by a Omegapisces before their death. As such, their consciousness survives bodily death, and they enter the 53rd dimension, and immediately thereafter join the ranks of the Omegapisces. Those who knew of the Omegapisces, and worshipped a ridiculous deity instead, but did not have an Omegapisces latch onto them, will survive death and keep their individual consciousness. They will also be given a golden star sticker. Those who knew of the Omegapisces and did not worship anything will receive the same fate, but get no sticker. Those who worshipped the Omegapisces will die an early death and be banished to the Room of Slight Discomfort for the rest of eternity. Those who sincerely worshipped a seemingly legitimate god will be consumed by the Omegapisces, and will be regurgitated into the collective consciousness from which all human minds were originally drawn from. Those who sincerely worshipped ridiculous gods will just die. Just. Die. Those who worshipped no gods at all, yet did not know of the Omegapisces, will be survive death with an individual consciousness, but will have to wear a goofy hat to forever display the shameful reality that s/he never discovered the Truth in order to properly deny its existence.

The collective consciousness pool is continually redumped into existence until they are finally introduced into an illusory reality where they can finally realize the Truth, instead of continuing the trend of being guillible failures like in previous lives. Individual consciousnesses that remain in the 53rd dimension and have no turned into Omegapisces will be able to reincarnate in a privileged position in reality and with some memories of their former life in order to more effectively attain the goals that the others reintegrated into existence can only stumble upon.

Conclusion: Reality as we know it is an illusion established by fish/chipmunk/pterodactyl hybrids from another dimension that will only feed upon us, and thus provide us with the ability to join their ranks, if we deny their existence, bathe in tabasco sauce, refuse to eat certain vague categories of meat, and avoid speaking about certain arbitrary taboo topics. If we fail to do so, we are doomed to either outright die, be exiled to eternal discomfort, have our minds shuffled around with the rest of the human population and shoved back into the illusory reality, or kept relatively preserved, informed of the true nature of existence, and later shoved back into the illusory reality intact (though with altered memories). Are you foolish enough to risk not escaping this endless and dangerous cycle? To refuse the Truth as I set it out plainly before you, and clearly explain the risks of not unconsciously realizing it to be so, while outwardly denying it? Please...repent now! Sever your left pinkie, bathe in tabasco sauce, recite the Extradimensional Dinner Call, worship Chuck Norris, and live your life restraining yourself from affronting the great Omegapisces now, before it is too late!

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