January 1st, New Years Day: "I bet you're still hungover, aren't you? Heathen."
Some Monday in January, Martin Luther King Jr. Day: "That's it. This counts as black history month. I mean it."
Third Monday in February, Presidents' Day: "If you criticize our President today, I swear I will fuck you up!"
February 14th, Valentine's Day: "Today is the day that I say that Christianity is the sole source of love in the world. And if you say otherwise I will fuck you up!"
Some random Sunday in late March and or in April, Easter: "If you don't kiss Jesus's ass for all he's done for you today, I will cry persecution, and then I will fuck you up!"
Last Monday in May, Memorial Day: "If you criticize the military today, I will fuck you up!"
All days in late June and early July, Independence Day: "If you criticize America today, you are an unpatriotic killjoy, and I will fuck you up!"
First Monday in September, Labor Day: "[singing] Schooooooooooool's. back. from. summer. Schooooooool's. back. for. ever."
Every other day in September, 9/11: "If you are a Muslim, liberal, or just plain non-Christian, stay quiet and stay mournful or I will go Jerry Falwell on your ass!"
First Monday in October, Columbus Day: "If you mention anything unsavory about the founding of this country today, I will fuck you up!"
The rest of October, Halloween: "If anything, at all, bad happens this month, I am blaming it on Satanic influence. Unless it is the fault of a minority group, in which case, I will fuck them up".
November 11th, Veteran's Day: "You remember Memorial Day, and President's Day, don't ya?"
Fourth week in November, Thanksgiving: "Today is the day that I say that only Christians have anything to be thankful for and pay thanks to, and if you say otherwise, I will deal with it after dinner."
Every other day in November and all of December up to the 25th, Christmas: "Say anything of a slightly religious nature that I do not completely agree with, and I will cry persecution and claim that you are launching an assault against jolly Saint Nick himself. And then I will fuck you up. Or get Bill O'Reilly to do it for me."
December 31st, New Year's Eve: "This year, I resolve to be more Christian..."
[Note: This is not a strawman parody of a religious person, broadbrushing based on exaggerated simplifications. These are FACTS, determined by a telepathic survey of the secret opinions the average conservative fundamentalist has about each of those holidays. As such, I am beyond rebuke. Pelvic thrust.]