Friday, November 28, 2008

A Conservative, Fundamentalist Christian guide to the Holidays

January 1st, New Years Day: "I bet you're still hungover, aren't you? Heathen."


Some Monday in January, Martin Luther King Jr. Day: "That's it. This counts as black history month. I mean it."


Third Monday in February, Presidents' Day: "If you criticize our President today, I swear I will fuck you up!"


February 14th, Valentine's Day: "Today is the day that I say that Christianity is the sole source of love in the world. And if you say otherwise I will fuck you up!"


Some random Sunday in late March and or in April, Easter: "If you don't kiss Jesus's ass for all he's done for you today, I will cry persecution, and then I will fuck you up!"


Last Monday in May, Memorial Day: "If you criticize the military today, I will fuck you up!"


All days in late June and early July, Independence Day: "If you criticize America today, you are an unpatriotic killjoy, and I will fuck you up!"


First Monday in September, Labor Day: "[singing] Schooooooooooool's. back. from. summer. Schooooooool's. back. for. ever."


Every other day in September, 9/11: "If you are a Muslim, liberal, or just plain non-Christian, stay quiet and stay mournful or I will go Jerry Falwell on your ass!"


First Monday in October, Columbus Day: "If you mention anything unsavory about the founding of this country today, I will fuck you up!"


The rest of October, Halloween: "If anything, at all, bad happens this month, I am blaming it on Satanic influence. Unless it is the fault of a minority group, in which case, I will fuck them up".


November 11th, Veteran's Day: "You remember Memorial Day, and President's Day, don't ya?"


Fourth week in November, Thanksgiving: "Today is the day that I say that only Christians have anything to be thankful for and pay thanks to, and if you say otherwise, I will deal with it after dinner."


Every other day in November and all of December up to the 25th, Christmas: "Say anything of a slightly religious nature that I do not completely agree with, and I will cry persecution and claim that you are launching an assault against jolly Saint Nick himself. And then I will fuck you up. Or get Bill O'Reilly to do it for me."


December 31st, New Year's Eve: "This year, I resolve to be more Christian..."

[Note: This is not a strawman parody of a religious person, broadbrushing based on exaggerated simplifications. These are FACTS, determined by a telepathic survey of the secret opinions the average conservative fundamentalist has about each of those holidays. As such, I am beyond rebuke. Pelvic thrust.]

9 comments:

Pliny-the-in-Between said...

Oh well, since it's a psychic survey who am I to question it. That's as scientific as it gets.

Did you cover Veterans Day? You know, the one where all the gasbags who avoided service because of a butt pimple get up on their high horse and profess their patriotism.

Asylum Seeker said...

Yup. It's my impression that they do pretty much the same thing on Memorial Day (though it is frankly less pronounced for some reason, despite them having the similar theme of "yay past wars!"). And it is my opinion that you can ONLY get scientific results through psychic abilities and gut instinct. If it is good enough for crazy people, it is good enough for me.

Pliny-the-in-Between said...

If it is good enough for crazy people, it is good enough for me.

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No offense but isn't that a bit redundant for people like us?

Asylum Seeker said...

"No offense but isn't that a bit redundant for people like us?"

Shhhh...you're not supposed to let the internet hear you say that!

Mandar Malum said...

I am quite fond of these psychic surveys... I should really try to do one myself.

The results of said survey is quite accurate to what I have observed!

mac said...

You forgot Sunday November 30.

"if you post shit like this again, I will fuck you up !"

Too acurate for comfort.
Wel, that and I think I lost one of my nuts after I laughed them off.

Richelle said...

lol, mac lost a nut. (i'm a chick so i can laugh)

sooooo this might sound bad (oh well) but, i cannot stand vets who think that everyday citizens owe them everything in the world because they fought in a war "that has allowed you to be free!!"(they always make it seem as though they did this single-handedly) well, i'm sorry, but... um.... no, you fuckin' didn't.

this ridiculous proposition usually comes from vietnam vets, in regards to vets from our current "war", it is typically limited to marines (who are usually jackasses anyway). funny how neither of these wars had shit to do with somebody trying to take away our freedom. they are the two most asinine wars in our history.

now if i were to hear a similar remark from a ww2 vet, it would be applicable, but ww2 vets are usually very modest about their service.

don't get me wrong, i appreciate anyone who is willing to join the armed forces and face the possibility of fighting for the u.s., but that doesn't mean they are entitled to having their asses kissed by every citizen in this country. to them, if you haven't served then you might as well be dog shit and you aren't a true patriot.

what these assholes forget, though, is that if everyone in this country was in the military there wouldn't be anyone to run the village inn where their kids get syrup on EVERYTHING then they harass the cashier to be sure to give them their 10% military discount. there wouldn't be anyone to make those retarded "semper fi" bumper stickers. or manufacture the ford trucks for them to put their gay bumper stickers on. or put out their house that they set ablaze when they were smoking a cigarette too close to the arsenal of home made explosives that they keep in the garage.

moving on to the oh-so-high-and-mighty-christians and their holiest of days, xmas. it's not just for christians. i don't even think about jesus when xmas comes around, and why would i? i don't give a damn when his birthday was. the christians stole the holiday from the pagans, so they can just shove it up their asses.

end rant

Asylum Seeker said...

"i cannot stand vets who think that everyday citizens owe them everything in the world because they fought in a war "that has allowed you to be free!!""

Same here. Mostly because it smacks of arrogance.

And, secondly, for the reason that you address: our most recent wars are not about our freedom. Unless they fought in the Revolutionary War or for the North in the Civil War, they haven't really fought for freedom, and probably haven't fought in a war worth fighting. WWII is interesting because it was justified, and most likely necessary, but no so much about freedom as for safety and great justice.

"i appreciate anyone who is willing to join the armed forces and face the possibility of fighting for the u.s., but that doesn't mean they are entitled to having their asses kissed by every citizen in this country."

Agreed.

And as for the Christmas stuff: I come from a relatively nonreligious family, and the alleged role of Christianity to the hijacked pagan holiday has been nonexistent since my youth. When Christmas is all about Santa, mistletoe, candy canes, stockings, cookies and milk, evergreen trees, and colorful lights, you begin to wonder what these people are smoking when they are saying that the holiday has anything to do with their robed Middle Eastern rabbi and their death fetishism traditions that followed.

Asylum Seeker said...

"The results of said survey is quite accurate to what I have observed!"

That is because every stereotype is based on a nugget of truth. And by truth, I mean TROOOTH!