Saturday, December 13, 2008

The Ghost of the War on Christmas Future

2009: Bill O'Reilly starts crying due to the continued insistence of using the term "Happy Holidays" (even on his own website). People continue to laugh at him. Bill Donohue gets his own show on Fox News and does the same. He promptly dies of a heart attack three weeks later. Christians launch a full scale assault on city halls across the country with ornaments, Christmas trees, and plastic baby Jesii. 12 were killed.
2010: Bill O'Reilly throws a temper tantrum when cities refuse to put up Christmas displays this year.
Jesus returns. He is promptly killed by Christians who think that he is a radical liberal terrorist from Mexico.
The Christmas tree in Times Square is blown up by secular jihadists, who are subsequently thrown into Guantanamo and forced to listen to Christmas carols.
2011: Bill O' Reilly enters the fetal position around mid-September because there aren't enough Christmas lights. Santa gets a bionic arm with which to strangle anyone who catches him stealing cookies from unsuspecting chimneyed households. Christians start trying to hide menorahs in order to keep Christmas from "losing the War on Christmas". Secularists feel confident in their inevitable victory, and build barricades around state Capitol buildings. A few abortion clinic bombers were redirected to try to break through the barricades, but just wound up in prison on charges of being "drunk in public".
2012: Obama is re-elected and Bill O'Reilly is now in a mental ward after being diagnosed with an acute case of wingnuttery, coupled with delusions of moderation. Fox News subsequently becomes obscure and unnoteworthy. Santa continues world-wide burglaries and murders. Jesus is once again killed by a shotgun wielding Christian. And most state buildings remain devoid of any holiday displays for the next decade or so (save for the few cluttered ones where they provide an accidental open forum for everyone by letting a porcelain baby Jesus slip through).
2023: Bill O'Reilly strangles Jesus to death in the asylum. Jesus had been put into the mental facility for coming back after being killed 12 times in a row, and proceeding to kill off random fundamentalists. His lawyer forced Jesus to plead insanity after recording all the conversations they had in which he claimed to be the son of God.
Santa Claus's killing spree is finally put to an end when the U.S. military guns down his sleigh. They proceed to confiscate his bags,containing hundreds of thousands of weapons that he was smuggling to children across the globe. They would also confiscate the sleigh in order to reverse engineer it and determine how it is able to travel at light speed. Rudolph is still on the loose.
2024: President Cthulhu is elected for a second term.


Saint Brian the Godless said...

President Cthulhu. That's about right. I like it.

Asylum Seeker said...

Yep. He was a Maverick, who wasn't a Washington insider, or inside the beltway. And was never afraid to tell like it the horror of our feeble human minds.

Sadly, he wasn't exactly what people were expecting, since he enslaved half of the human race and started a war with the horrific monstrous races beneathe the ices of Antarctica. But, I mean, when the choice is between the tried and true methods of a demonic squid-beast or Dennis Kuchnich, you know which way America is gonna vote.

The Maze Monster said...

Too bad Cthulhu lost her run for VP in 2008...

Asylum Seeker said...

All part of the plan. The dark, insidious, unspeakable plan.

Stacy said...

" 2023: Bill O'Reilly strangles Jesus to death in the asylum. "

That induced my very first "spit take" - actually just a little cereal milk dribbled down my chin but Bwahahahaha!!!

Asylum Seeker said...

I've had a few "spit takes" like that with soda. I do not recommend it.

Also: that quoted line would make an interesting name for a postmodernist rock band's album.

Pliny-the-in-Between said...

" 2023: Bill O'Reilly strangles Jesus to death in the asylum. "
Wouldn't that just result in the sort of cyclical sparring that Hercules and Antaeus had to deal with?

Mandar Malum said...

This was an awesome post, it had me laughing all the way through.

Can you imagine the world under president Cthulhu? Looking back on retrospect, I think it would be better than the past 8 years have been...

It would not be a shock that Christans and conservatives alike would deny Christ upon his return, calling him things like "socailist" and a "liberal"

Asylum Seeker said...

Cthulhu wouldn't be that bad. Sure, our population size would be wittled down, but...well, that solves the overpopulation crisis and decimating the roads and factories helped to alieviate global warming! He'd be considered a genius in comparison to Bush, who was all smashing but no results.

Also: I am pretty sure that Christians would absolutely despise any form of Jesus that didn't fit their Americanized and politicized version of him. It's a good thing for them that it will never happen (and it's probably why they cynically think that they can pull the blatant contradictions off).