Friday, December 5, 2008

eHarmony eSucks

You've all heard about the legendary match making site that is eventually going to open up a version for homosexual couples in the next few months, I assume. Well, turns out that it is free, and the process that they put you through to match you up is a massive online personality quiz (a kind of quiz that I have a long history with). Buuuut...that's about the bulk of it for some people. Let me explain.

It serves as a Big Five Personality Test, determining agreeableness, openness, extraversion, emotional stability, and conscientiousness according to your own self-assessments, giving you those results after spending a good 40 minutes slogging through the massive thing. But, they are assholes, and admit at the end of taking the huge damn thing that they are so particular about their methods of matching you up with other people, that they outright refuse to give ANY matches to 1 out of 5 people because they just don't precisely match anyone. What complete and utter bullcrap. Dearest eHarmony: you aren't selling yourself as a personality test, of which I have taken at least a dozen before and had no desire to take another. I wanted to be given profiles of random ass internet people who are within a 200 mile radius and who are roughly similar to myself. That's it. I probably wouldn't even have given a damn after seeing the results, because I usually never do. But, you couldn't even do the sole thing that you advertise site as doing, and admit that you actively don't do it 20% of the time. Only doing your job for 80% customers....what the hell is this, the DMV?

Whatever. It's a mild annoyance. And getting the personality test results, that explains why being a self-centered, chronically shy, unemotional, and ever-apathetic bastard is a good thing was the highlight of my day.

Oh, and pornography wins the poll. Lust and philosophy were a close second. My favorite, anal fissures, went shamefully ignored.


mac said...

Try Plenty of Fish.

Asylum Seeker said...

Thanks for the suggestion. So, far, it is just as I suspected. It makes me want to put a gun in my mouth. The only ones out there who aren't looking for a mate that is both vigorous and asexual are the ones who either can't spell worth a damn, or are my perfect match...aside from being a few decades off of my age. [Sigh].

Oh well...I am sure that once I enter the proper mindset, I can find much humor in the place.

mac said...

Oh yes,
There is much humor to be found there.

I thought the level of spelling funny as well...coming from me, a total non-speller.

As to the asexual thing, I think that's just what they want us to think, lest we think less of them.
I mean, really, why else are they there?

Asylum Seeker said...

"think that's just what they want us to think, lest we think less of them.
I mean, really, why else are they there?"

Yeah, I know. I exaggerate when saying "asexual"(almost as much as they do).

Richelle said...

well let's be optimistic seeker, maybe you'll be like me and find someone on a blog. what better way to meet someone who is absolutely perfect for you than being drawn to each other via the internet by ranting against the things that drive you both batshit nuts?

you could even acquire a blog groupie!

how cute would that be ;)

Asylum Seeker said...

I am going to be optimistic, and say that that will not happen. The idea is actually a little uncomfortable for someone like me, who much prefers being impersonal, anonymous, in the shadows looking into the light. Stalkers don't really know how to handle groupies, if you understand what I am saying here...

Richelle said...

gotcha, stalkers don't like to be stalked.

Asylum Seeker said...

Just like hunters don't like to be hunted, cheaters don't like to be cheated, and cheapskates don't like to be cheapskated. Hypocritical? Yes. But......why are you all judging me!?

[fetal position].

Anonymous said...

Yeah, EHarmony is good for also eliminating us atheists... No matches for us. :) lol. I actually met my fiance online, but on MySpace, where everyone is free to be what they please, and you can search profiles very easily.

Asylum Seeker said...

Wow. High incidence of e-Romance through traditional venues (blogs and social networking sites). I feel better about giving up on this crap five seconds after trying it out.