Sunday, September 21, 2008

Religion in a nutshell

  • Olympianism-"There are dozens of super-powered ghost-humans on top of a mountain that like to have sex with humans and mess with us regularly. Also: I am right."
  • Asgardianism-"There are dozens of super-powered ghost-humans on top of a giant tree that like to see us kill each other. Also: I am right."
  • Pharaonicism-"There are dozens of super-powered ghost-humans across the horizon that want us to pack for our afterlives, and the pharaoh is appointed by them. Also: I am right."
  • Zoroastrianism-"A super-powered ghost-human and his brigade of lesser ghost-humans is at war with his super-powered evil-ghost-human counterpart. Also: I am right."
  • Judaism-"A super-powered ghost-human made clones of himself and oversees them to make sure that eat the right foods, have sex the proper way, and read his autobiography over and over again. Also: I am right."
  • Protestantism-As above, except: "he doesn't care about food anymore, he came into the real world as an avatar of himself in order to die, come back to life, and teleport away. And also, if you don't believe any of this, he will burn you out of love. Also: I am right."
  • Catholicism-As above, except: "and the avatar's mother is magical too, and crackers are serious business. Also: I am right."
  • Pentecostalism-As Protestantism, except "I CAN SPEAK TONGUES AND CAST OUT DEMONS!!1!! Also: I am right."
  • Mormonism- As Protestantism, except "it all happened in Detroit, we can marry as many women as we want, and we know this because a carnie told us so. Also: I am right."
  • Hinduism-"A super-powered ghost appears in the forms of thousands of different super-powered ghost humans and we all come back to life as animals if we were bad. Also: I am right."
  • Buddhism-"As Hinduism, except there is no super-powered ghosts and you must attain real ultimate power through solving riddles and being incredibly aloof. Also: I am right."
  • Animism/Shintoism-"Every physical object, animal, location, and natural occurrence has a super-powered ghost human associated with it. Also: I am right."
  • Paganism/Pantheism-"All of nature/existence is a part of a super-powered ghost human. A part of the super-powered ghost human is in every part of nature. Also: I am right."
  • Lovecraftianism-"Super-powered aliens are responsible for our existence, and yet either don't care about us or are actively hostile towards us. Be very afraid. Also: I am right [snicker]"
  • Pastafarianism-"A super-powered pasta dish created all of existence, thwarts all attempts at scientific measurement for the lulz, has a pirate fetish, and will reward believers with a beer volcano and stripper factory. Also: I am right [snicker]"
  • IPUism-"An unseeable ghost unicorn is pink. Also: I am right [snicker]"
  • Scientology-"All bad feelings are caused by alien ghosts attached to us, and in order to learn the trade secrets and be free of them you must pay thousands of dollars. We know this because a science fiction author said so. Also: I am right."
  • Deism- [beware: many of the above will pretend that this is their position] "A super-powered ghost human created reality and then went off to do some things. As such, he can't be proven or disproven. Also: I am right."
  • "Agnosticism"- [reads any one of the above entries] "Ehhh...I'd give it a 50/50 chance. Also: I am right."
  • Atheism- [reads any number of the above entries] "WTF!!? Also: I am right."
  • "Militant" atheism- [reads any one of the above entries] "No. You're wrong. Suck it. Also: I am right"
  • Liberal theism- [reads any one of the above entries] "Well, I may not believe all of it, but it sounds nice and I think it does a lot of good, so I think I will call myself a _______, anyway. And I will make sure to wag my finger at anyone who insults the religion that I nominally consider myself a part of. Also: I am right."
  • Soft apathism-[doesn't read all above entries] "I don't care."
  • Hard apathism-[reads all above entries] "I still don't care."
  • Fundamentalism-[doesn't read any of the above entries] "I AM RIGHT!"


mac said...

this is good.
Funny shit !!

I am glad I stumbled acroos this place.

mac said...

One more thing....
Perhaps I am an idiot, but who are you, or rather, what name do you use on DD's blog.
I'd hate to confuse you with another poster over there.

Asylum Seeker said...

Good to see you around, mac.

Actually...I don't post on Dinesh's blog as anything but "Asylum Seeker" (and, I've only done so twice). I just prefer to read the other comments, which have usually eviscerated Dinesh and moved on well after I notice he has even posted a new article.